| guess who?! |
[31 Dec 2004|05:36pm] |
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HIYA guys!!
OK, I'm cheating, and doing one last thing before letting Jaimi on, but I had to at least finish it up -
Miss me?! I've missed you guys and heeeey I've got a new journal that should be updated at least..well..um..a little more than this! lol!
http://www.livejournal.com/users/sweetnlovey/
OOOKK! love you guys! please visit me there! I don't wanna lose my cool dude buddies!
BYE!
love always,
Holly Bo Bolly the Baa Baa Sheeeeeep!!
..not really, just Holly!
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(gimme your candy!)
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[09 Oct 2004|06:29pm] |
Lalalala! I get to go to the FAAAAAAAIR! The state fair is hereeee! Fair fair fair! ^____^ *SQUEE* Rides, fun, food, sexy hot guys (I mean *cough*), too much to do, I'M A HAPPY GIRL BECAUSE THE FAIR IS HERE ^___^ <3 :DDD
Okay, see, I'm not dead, really. Life is just BUSY, and school is just HARD, and I'm just..apologizing ;_;
I'd like to say that I REALLYREALLY miss my Fluffy, and I need to cuddle her, because I miss her horribly, but I can't. poutpout. I also REALLYREALLY miss my Sissy, and I need to stuff her with lobster butter and then strangle her with hugs, but I can't do that either ;__; POUT. And..HI PINKY. I MISS YOU TOO. OKAY, HI.
Hee.
I'd like to give out a big "okay, you suck" to Christine -.- for AHEM some obvious reasons.. and a HIHIHIHI to my buddy Olivia! Hi! See, this is my best buddy, and we stick together through thick and thin, even though I go parading in pink and she goes parading in black and red ^__^ And to celebrate our lovely friendship of oppositeness, we can parade through the mall together and go through both the preppy and the gothy stores, and it's FUN..when we shall do this, I don't know XD but hi to my best friend of all lifetime! *waves* Damnit, we need to hang out, and we're going to, this weekend, I promise you we will! Even though you won't read this til after then most likely..but um..we'll go do something anyway. I dunno what yet though.
ANYWAY. Fair, yay! No Fluffy and Sissy, no yay ;_; cool conversation with Mai, yay! Hanging out soon, we hope, yay! And..I get Chinese food on Thursday! omgthankyougod. Plus they have banana pudding. double thank you god! I'll have to toss away the "starve yourself, starve yourself" thing so I can eat Chinese food XD of course, I'll be eating fair food too, can't resist, but I'm gonna try to watch it..and that'll probably be the only thing I eat, aside from maybe some nuts if I get hungry. (see, I'm smart, I'm packing them in a baggy in my purse when I go to the fair ^_~ that way I won't overindulge)
anywhoo..I'm off to get ready for bed, ladida, did a little survey though, and it was fun ^o^ I love you all! BYE!
boxers or briefs? Booooxers ^__^
plaid or striped? Striped! plaid is icky >.<
alt or rap? Alt, if that's supposed to stand for alternative, lol oO
ska or punk? Punk, rarara!
classical or country? ..country
salt or pepper? Pepper!
coke or pepsi? Pepsiiii <3
dr. pepper or mr. pibb? Mmm, Dr. Pepper
Sprite or 7-up? 7-up!
skittles-original, tropical, or wildberry? Tropical :D
m & m's-regular, peanut, peanut-butter, or almond? There's a peanut-butter flavor? Ooh, I gotta try that..er, I mean - regular ^__^
okay, ok, or o.k.? Okay o.o;
shake or stir? ..uh..stir?
bright colors or dark colors: Bright ^__^
snap, crackle, or pop? I'm telling you, the damn stuff is ALIVE..it's all "crackle..crackle..CRACKLE.." T_T
half-empty or half-full: Half full :D
sunshine or rain? Sunshiiiine!
sun or moon? Moon ^o^
silver or gold? Silver!
frogs or toads? Frogs - toads are eww ;_;
:: short answer ::
left handed or right handed? Right
are you smart? Smart, but cursed with blondeness ^__^;
whats your middle name? Danielle
how many personalities do you have? ..one..o.O
how many piercings do you have? 3 ^__^ one in each ear, and my beloved bellybutton piercing!
tattoos? None (yeeet >D)
what was your first word? Shit (I'm NOT kidding, either XD I dropped my paci and said it - at least I think it was my paci..)
do you read your horoscope? Every day - sometimes more than once in a day too o.o
do you believe in that stuff? Deeeefinitely! Yesyesyes.
can you do a cartwheel? Yuppo
can you drive? Can I? Yeah. Do you WANT me to? ..no *giggles at the memory of the last time she drove*
do you keep a journal? Mhm~
what languages do you know? English..and um..english..and um..english. (I took German if that counts XD)
do you like cotton candy? Noo >.< TOO sweet. ick.
do you like pina coladas? Omg, yes, they're so good.
what do you sleep in? A futon ^__^
how many pillows do you have? Five - two main ones that go with the futon, and three colorful, soooft hippie-cool ones (a purple flower, a blue flower, and a purple smiley face)
how many times have you moved houses? Well..none really. We moved into this one right after I was born.
is your room messy? Nope~
do you like your handwriting? Yep, for the most part, though I wouldn't mind it getting a bit more fancy X3
do you like to fingerpaint? ...not really.
do you sleep with a stuffed animal(s)? Yuuuup! Although a lot I sleep with my bridal doll ^__^
are you ticklish? WAY TOO MUCH @__@
did you go to preschool? ..I don't..remember *blink* and neither does my brother apparently.
are you a morning person? Yup!
"hard questions"
would you rather burn to death or freeze to death? Burn
would you eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? ..no. No, no, no.
if you had a band what would you name it? Pink Lobsters (*bursts into giggles at 'memory lane' coming back*)
where do you want to live? HERE. In the American South :DD
if you had to dye your hair right now, what color would you make it? Well, if I had a CHOICE, I'd get a foil instead of a pure dye, and then I'd get a golden blonde/brown foil - if I didn't have a choice and I had to purely dye, I'd probably go with a color more like auburn
if you had to get a body piercing right now where would it be? Another one on my ears ^_^
if you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be? Hm, I'm debating between something like a peace sign, a flower, a butterfly, or doves ^__^
Spell your name backward: Ylloh
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? It would SO be a mountain lion *_*
Ever been to Belgium? Nope..
What's your favourite coin? Pennyyyy..on the HEADS side x.x
Pillow cover: It's a very intricate design o.o brown, with all these brown lines, and orange lines too I think, and even a few other colors too, I think..and some of the stuff looks like people and villages and other stuff when you stare at it for a long time. XD It's just..this neat design.
height: 5'4"
thinking of: The fair ^____^ omgomg YAY YAY!!
last thing you...
bought: A bottle of water o.o
read: The Scarlet Letter - god, that thing was horrible T_T
either / or
tea or coffee: If it's sweet iced tea we're talking about, then it'd have to be a tie. I loooove both. Of course, if it's not sweet iced tea we're talking about, and it's that other nasty kind, or even just..UNSWEETENED tea.. (omg god forbid ewwwww) then forget about it, coffee wins by 100 miles >.< ick.
cats or dogs: hey..hey no fair. These are too hard ;_; um..dogs.
single or taken: Single!
pen or pencil: Penciiil
gloves or mittens: Gloves o.o your hands get all..ick..in mittens.
food or candy: Fooooood, mmmmm
cassette or cd: CD, definitely
[random]
First Grade Teacher's Name? um, I dunno..
Last Words You Said? "Trey? Did I go to preschool?" Hee, I know, I'm so interesting
Last Song You Sang? Dip It Low X3
Last Thing You Laughed At? Gilmore Girls o.o
Last Time You Cried? Earlier, when the grandma lady DIED T_T omg it gave me chills and I cried and it was so horrible..
What's In Your CD Player? Canyon Trilogy - whaaat? It's good ritual/soothing music! :P
What Color Socks Are You Wearing? SOCKS. EVIL. NEVER. NO. DON'T. WEAR. *snarl*
What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 8am
[current]
Current Taste? Wateeer
Current Longing? A boyfriend ;_;
Current Desktop Picture? This cool little thing with an island and the preeettiest water surrounding it
[more random]
Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex? Hair, pretty pretty hair..
Favorite Color? Pink
Favorite Season? Summer
Favorite Day? Saturday
What Is Your Career Going To Be Like? ... you know about as much as those three dots *blinkblink*
How Many Kids Do You Want? 1, maybe 2 - MAYBE.
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(2 candys | gimme your candy!)
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| Sugarsugarsugar ^o^ |
[21 Sep 2004|09:52pm] |
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Door open..door close..door open..door close..door- STOP IT! |
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HI!
:D
..what's up everyone?! Having a good week? YOU BETTER BE. I am ^_^ for the most part. What's been up since my last post, you ask? Well, let's see-
(Random voice: They didn't ask.)
PIPE DOWN. >.< I'm telling my life story here. Hmf.
Well, I'm all SUPER excited because my grandma's picking me up from school tomorrow, and I can't wait to spend time with her, because I LOOOVE spending time with her ^__^ PLUS..for lunch, we're going to Sonic's and getting a Smores shake. WAIWAIWAI! (Of course, it'll be my only meal for the day, lol XD fatty/sugary foods and diets just doooon't mix well. But it'll be daaaamn WORTH it!)
I haven't had something all sweet and yummy and good in SOOOO long...and then we'll have a nice long talk, too ^_^ it'll be fun. So I'm all bouncy excited about it, I've been waiting for about a week, lol.
The weight scales have been nice to me recently :D that's been a plus on my mood.
I found out a few things one of my friends has been saying, and I'm not quite sure yet if it hurt me or pissed me off, but either way, I'm deciding to take on the "you don't like me, then fuck off" attidude :P
I haven't had much time to get online since my post, because I've been busy with school and homework, the most time I've gotten is a little bit today to type a few things, but we have Friday off (^__^ SQUEE) so if I'm not around before then, I should at least be around then.
Haven't seen much of dad lately, which is cool, he's with Kristi (which we all know I very much approve of X3)
Besides, this way, I do get to see a bit more of mom and Richard, and that's nice, too. That'll be ending, though, because I think mom's working aaaall the rest of this week nonstop >.< grr. Sigh, oh well.
My day today started off kinda bad, mom and Jaimi getting in this HUGE fight about her hair - and of course, in the bad mood, Jaimi blames me for taking her spray bottle and mom blames me for putting glasses down on the table -.- and in the end, it's proven that neither is my fault - I have a question, WHAT'S WITH BLAMING ME? People are always blaming me for everything ;_; blah.
Anyway, I was in a bad mood because of all that, but I had a nice chat with dad in the car, so that brightened me up a little. Still not in perfect mood, and got to school, and dealt with a mini awkward situation..but then I had a nice conversation with Olivia and Katie.
(Btw, future notice, I don't use the "Mai and Taylor" nicknames much anymore (usually only on accident). Olivia is Mai, and Christine is Taylor.)
Katie's a girl Olivia and Christine know, and I think she's pretty good friends with Olivia..I don't know that well, but we seem to get along pretty well, and she seems nice ^_^ she used to be Wiccan, but she changed back because her mom kept freaking. She thinks my mom's really cool (even though she's never met her - I think she thinks that just because she's taking Wiccan classes XD) and she's REALLY GOOD at doing nails.
Anyway, a bit later, a certain someone who I thought was my friend (at least SORTA) completely ignored me and refused to acknowledge my presence (~.~) - plus I learned some things that friend has been saying..and that kinda downed the day.
Luckily, some kind of luck was on my side, and throughout the day I started feeling really perky and happy for no reason at all, lol. Plus, the rest of the day wasn't too bad, anyway, it was nice ^_^
I went home, and was in that perky mood, and was also HUNGRY, and also had an urge to cook...
So I made spaghetti and texas toast :D
And that was me and mom's "dinner at noon", lol
(Remember, I get out of school at 11:30, in case anyone forgot :P)
I really wanted to take a nap after that, but I did some homework instead, and then I typed up an entry for Taka (I haven't given up yet! YAY!), and then..the discipline part of the day @_@ It was exercise time! I walked for an hour, and then did my 50 crunches (ooh the BURN) and then..got on here to type this X3
Of course, I've gotten distracted a few times, with this and that, and I've worked a little bit on the next entry for Taka (although it'll be forever 'til this one's posted, lol)
buuuuut...
Now it's half an hour past bedtime XD luckily mom's not home so I'm not in trouble :P
Hopefully I haven't missed anything, but I know I have, because I got too into today. XD
..OH YEAH.
Yesterday, when I was doing my walk, you know what I started craving?
...
Pickles. Dipped in strawberry icecream. I wanted it SOOOOOOO BAD. I was about to DIE. Pickles dipped in really sweet vanilla icecream and topped with caramel sounded REALLY good too...
I even started to think that pickles dipped in butterscotch with some sprinkles would be awesome.
I'M. SO. WEIRD.
XD
Okay, before I rush off for bed, I leave you with one thing, pickle-and-icecream-non-lovers...
Respect the animals :P THAT MEANS WHEN THEY'RE DEAD, TOO...
BYE!
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(3 candys | gimme your candy!)
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[19 Sep 2004|12:48pm] |
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Yoyoyo, what be up, MAH DAWGS!!!
..heehee, excuse randomness ^o^
I know, I know, it's been forever and a day since I've written, bite me and slap me with a fish (remember sissy? fish? slap? REMEMBER? *gigglesnort*), but it's not my fault ;_; it's my computer's fault! Everytime I write a really big entry, I can never finish it in one sitting (NEVER..it's gotta be against the law. I always get dragged off or something), and my computer ALWAYS kills it ~.~ and I never have the energy to redo that post, so by the time I'm ready to do a new post, the same thing happens.
grr >.<
If it does it again, I'LL DIE. I SWEAR I WILL. I'll faint and die right before your very own eyes ;o;
mmkay~ maybe it won't be before your eyes since you're not HERE..but anyway.
My sister's a genius XD she just find my Now 5 CD..and I never knew I even HAD that CD. Sweet..:D *plans to listen to it later*
So, what have -I- been up to?
...
Too much.
I have TOTALLY changed as a person, and I'm currently loving these changes, and I'm guessing I'm still going through these changes, and I really hope everyone accepts these changes (if not, screw you, because this is me :P)
Problem is - I dunno how to explain the changes. The only people who really know the changes FULLY are my family, and even then, not every family member knows every single change, but they know more than anyone else.
Let's just say that the BIGGEST change (and this one will probably kill most of you, so make sure you're sitting)
Is that my favorite color is now pink :D
(*winces as she hears bodies clang to the ground* ...I told you to sit..)
I think my problem used to be that I didn't know who I was, and I just kind of skipped around picking up this and that, deciding "this" was cool, so it was suddenly in my "interests" list, and suddenly something I loved, etcetc, so on and so forth. When I went through my "dark" stage (not saying there's anything WRONG with being like that, I still find anyone like that very awesome, and more power to them if that's who they really are - the problem comes when you're pretending to be someone you're not.) everything was going wrong, and nothing was right, and there were constant MAJOR shifts of mood, but it wasn't like it was so serious that it was a disease or anything.
Then one day, I realized that wasn't who I wanted to be, because I wasn't in a group of friends, I wasn't being treated like the people I wanted to be like (I was being treated WORSE, in my mind) - I came to the conclusion that I was being very dumb, running around in the clothes of who I wanted to be, but not in the attitude of that kind of a person at all, and it was almost as if me trying to change myself stripped away who I used to be - which was who I REALLY was.
For a while, I didn't know how to change all of that, and I didn't think I could, but I did change it, and I'm becoming the girl I used to be before I went through that stage. Mind you, going through all of that has given me a few more changes, as life tends to do, but I believe I'm still going back to who I used to be (I wasn't sure if this belief was true at first, but a few tarot readings reassured me that this really is what's been happening)
Though I mostly haven't been updating or been getting online because I've been WAY too busy (life is first priority, after all :P), there is a second reason that I've kept..hidden. I'm scared that if I update with all the changes I've been going through, and let everyone know, that all of you will just stop caring and not want to be my friend anymore - that's my biggest fear. After all, changes scare people, I know that more than anyone. As much as I love these changes, they scare me, too.
I actually had a post written about all of these changes, a more detailed one than even this, and probably longer than this will be..and the computer didn't kill that one. But before I posted it, I got scared that everyone would stop caring, and I got scared that I'd lose all my friendships..and I deleted everything. The rest of the entries WERE deleted by this dumb computer though >.< but..they didn't have much to do with me changing. Not like this entry does, and not like the first deleted entry did.
Also..for this same reason, I've been hiding as much as possible from the online world. True, I've been busy like WOAH, but I haven't been fighting the busy life that much. And the free time I get, sometimes I'll just dance in my room, or take a nap, or watch TV, or something, or anything..that keeps me away from the internet. I'm scared that if I get on, some of my changes might slip out, and my friends won't care anymore.
I know, they're dumb fears, but my friends are everything to me, along with my family. I can't go through anything in life- hell, I can't even go through LIFE without having my support. My family and my friends are my support, and I NEED them. I know my family loves these changes, they're telling me so all the time, so I have no doubts that they'll suddenly stop caring - besides, they're family, they don't stop caring. At least not my family. The only worry you have with family is that they might not always be around to support you, but they'll always care.
But my friends..it's not so easy. My RL friends, the two that I have, I can feel them slipping away. In fact, I think one's already slipped away, all we do now is an occassional "hi" in the hallway at school, and even that's rare.
I'm trying to grasp onto the other as much as possible, but I get the feeling that me grasping so much is just making the problem worse - WHATEVER the problem is. I don't think there's a problem, really, not between us, there's just problems in general life, plus changes we're going through. But I can feel us drifting away, day by day. The worst part is, that we've been so close, and even though our lives have been raised differently, and we're changing into totally different people, we have and still can relate and communicate amazingly.
but sigh..at this rate, I dunno how much longer the friendship'll last. I want it to last forever, but -
I can't help but wonder if it's me changing that's causing all the drifting..or maybe it's just cruel life working it's way in.
And everyone knows how hard it is for me to accept losing friends, it literal breaks off a piece of my soul. If I lose my online friends, too (who also mean so much to me, I've developed such amazing friendships and connections with them, I can't even describe how close I feel to them) I don't know what I'd do, what would I be left with? My friends are always the ones who support me through everything, and without them, I'm lost, and even though I have my family, lately I've felt like I don't (which I'll explain later)
But I couldn't hide from them forever, it was just like not having them, and it was killing me not to talk to them, I NEEDED them..but I'm still scared I'll lose them, so although I'm getting on a little more, I'm trying to keep the changes as subtle as possible.
But I didn't want to hide them forever..and I needed to get my feelings out. It was KILLING me. If I was going to end up losing my RL friends, I needed at least my online friends to know what was going on, and I needed their support. So here I am, after Fluffy asked me to make an entry..making an entry. I hadn't planned on pouring all this out, I was just going to make a quick entry..
But you know, when you have things bottled up inside, they tend to come out without you meaning for them to. My fingers just kinda got a mind of their own, y'know :P
But as I type this (or rather, my fingers type this, while my eyes look like they're trying to scream "STOP!!!"), my mind is praying nonstop that my friends will understand, and not stop caring, and..
Well, still be my friends.
But, about my family, which I mentioned above.
As I said, I know that my family loves me, and that they care about no matter what changes I'm going through, and it's even better than they LOVE these changes ...
But that's a different thing from family being always there for you. Friends can stop caring, but when they do care, they're usually there. That's what I've found. Family can't do that, for some reason, not in my case. Don't get me wrong, I adore me family, I understand their reasons, but nonetheless, bottled things need to come out.
I need support, and when I don't get support, love, reassurance, and care..I tend to get a little ranty, pissy, and not as nice as I usually am. My family noticed me getting snappy and pissy, and instead of sitting me down and talking to me calmly or anything nice like that (no, no, let's not be civilized sweet people), they go into what I like to call "BitchZilla" mode. Normally that mode is saved for mom, but pretty much everyone was taking on that form.
Why was I mad, they ask, with glaring eyes and a 'oh my fucking god what a bitch what is her problem' tone of voice?
Well, let's see. My sister and Mark (the creature from hell- I mean, Kristi's little boy. *twitch. twitch.*) follow me all around the house, every second of the day, nonstop, spying on me like some goddamn little 1 year olds, giggling and squealing and making absurd remarks. They go through my room (did I mention they were forbidden from my room a LONG time ago?), dig through my stuff, steal my nail polish, and when I come upstairs and find them ...I have to chase them aaaaall around the pooltable. Of course, they're not done, they run back in the room, and I scream for them to tell me what they've done, and they lie and say nothing.
Clearly they've done a lot, because my clothes are ALL over the floor, and everything's trashed, and a few more screams are done, and Jaimi BREAKS MY BEADS. The ones I just got when my room got redone, the colorful pretty beads that hang on the door.
SHE BROKE THEM.
Thank god it wasn't all of them, but damnit, I was so pissed I was about to kill her. If she wouldn't have locked herself and Mark in the bathroom, it would've been a deathmatch. -.- But basically, THEY'VE been doing crap like that, just doing things to piss me off, so it puts me in a bad mood. Little brats.
Now, surprise surprise, I don't have much to say against my brother, besides the fact that HE IS ONE WEIRD SNOWMAN. He insists on keeping the upstairs effing 60 degrees or something, and I wake up in the morning like an ICECUBE. We're noooot eskimos here.. we even came to a temporary deal of 75 degrees, and I wake up freezing again, and guess what? He turned it down. Again.
I'm gonna put a lock on the damn thing..no more cold no more cold no more cold >.<
Oh, and he keeps eating my low calorie stuff, which is meant for people on DIETS :P (bonehead) and if he doesn't stop I'm gonna whack him upside the head with a carrot.
This is all normal stuff though XD no problems against Trey.
...well..it'd be nice if him and his friends weren't so damn LOUD...(how drunk can you get? I mean, really..) But I find a way to get to sleep anyway XD
next, my dearest daddy. I can't say I have much to say against him either, in fact, I've had lots of fun with him recently ^_^ I wouldn't mind having a bit MORE fun with him, too XD His cleaning sprees are a bit annoying, as I think Trey would agree, but other than that, my daddy and me are teh cool :D I love him, he's so fun, heehee. If I can wish for one thing, though, can he please get off of his no meat obsession? I hate turkey ;_; He refused to buy ANY kind of meat that had anything but turkey or chicken in it. I NEED HAM...HAMMMMM...I *really* needed that honey ham, too..but no, we had to get the honey turkey ham...WHICH IS SO FAKE. FAKE.
Lol, silly vegetarian people. Mmmm meatmeatmeat ^_^ (can you tell..that I gave up my vegetarian thing a long time ago?) As long as I'm far from fish, I'm a happy meat lover :D
I do admit that I'm getting sick of him leaving me to babysit Mark and Jaimi, though..Jaimi's one thing, Mark's another x.x when Kristi asks me and says she'll pay me eventually, that's one thing. When he calls up the stairs and says he's leaving and that I need to fix dinner for Jaimi and Mark, it's not quite as nice. Lol, the life of a teenager though, right? I deal.
Okay, ontoooo...MOMMA.
Expecting much love?
HAH. Fucking dream on.
*insert glowing red eyes and burning hot steam*
Right now, I'm expecting to look up "mother" in the dictionary and get "nagger; bitch; never-ending torture"
This WILL sound a bit harsh, and let me let you know, that I do love my mother endlessly, and without her support I'm nothing, but..I need to get this out, I really do, but know that I love her more than anything.
After a long day of stress (and I mean SERIOUS stress, that's what my schoolday's made of right now, and we all know how I suck at handling stress :P) you get in the car and want to have a nice talk with your mother, or maybe go somewhere and let out some of that stress, or maybe it's so bad that you just wanna go home and SLEEP.
First second in the car is filled with as many nagging sentences and questions as possible, as she makes SURE you know that you're dead if you don't make complete As and Bs (that's right, Cs are horrible, oh dear me..) and then lectures you on how you NEED to do three hours of computer work for your homebound computer class RIGHT when you get home, never stopping to listen to you say that you're tired and just want to rest for a little while.
Always turns into an argument of how you're acting very snappy and rude lately, and when you tell her it's because other people are being rude, it starts another argument.
FUUUUUN trip home.
Then there are the occassional trips home where you had a bad day, and you just wanna stay curled up in your car seat and stare at the window without saying a word, but she doesn't want you to, she continously asks you every five seconds what's wrong, because you're being "quiet", and even though you insist you're FINE, just tired, she refuses to believe it and persistently wants to know why you're so quiet.
sigh -.- not to mention, as much as I need her support, I never get it - she's one of those mothers who switched places with the teenager, and seems to think that mother and daughter should spend as little amount of time together as possible, remember?
Besides, now she's working like..5 days a week, and when she gets off, she usually goes off to somewhere and stays out late, and I understand that, but it's still hard to hardly ever see her. When I don't get the support I want from her, and the care I want, and the love I want...it's hard to just ignore all of these sad feelings it makes me have, and act nice and happy around her.
I just miss how we used to be able to go out to a resturaunt and chat, that was something I treasured more than anything..now we never do that, ever. We don't even talk for more than 10 minutes, and most of the time I usually only see her in the morning before I go to school. And if it's a rare day when she's not working, I might talk to her for 10-15 minutes, if I'm LUCKY, but then I'm kicked out, or then she goes to do something.
It's just hard..
But I feel depressed now, so moving onto the next member!
..and this one will make me depressed to, but anyway..
My grandma.
I remember her as a very energetic lady, and these weren't memories from years ago, these were memories from barely a few weeks ago. She was always happy, and optimistic, energy always radiating from her, and life was always wonderful around her. I loved going next door to her trailer, because everything got better when I was around her, and every problem washed away when I talked to her.
She was perfect, and I wanted to be JUST like her when I got older. (And I mean olderolder :P)
But..lately..I've noticed a change. She seems so tired, and I can't sense that optimism from her anymore. She always used to be someone who couldn't say no to us, and of course we didnt' take advantage of it, but now we ask something, and it seems as if she says no a lot more, and the reason usually being because she's tired, or because it's too much work.
I don't feel energy bouncing out of her, and though I still love to be around her (I always will) it's not the same... she can't automatically make my problems wash away. She's almost got a tired, sad aura around her, and it almost makes me even more sad.
I've also noticed that she's drinking a lot more coffee, which she didn't used to do..but I'll be over at her house, and she'll be so tired that she has to have another cup of coffee to wake up.
Something else that has saddened me more than anything else..is that we've started argueing. I've never argued with my grandma, at least not much, I might have done it on very rare occassions..but it was rare, and they weren't bad arguments. Now, they're BAD arguments, and they're happening a lot.
I don't want to argue with my grandma, trust me, I love her so much, and it almost ripped my heart out when in part of the argument, she said, "I know you think I'm a shit, just like your mother does, but I'm not"
Unfortunately, when you mix the elements of the Zodiac Dragon and the Taurus together, it makes someone who CAN'T back down on arguments, no matter what - and that's me. I feel bad afterwards, sure, very bad, but..I can't back down on an argument.
I want to help my grandma so bad, somehow, I want to find out why she's acting so tired and energyless, and almost..with a negative attitude on everything, at least compared to the optimistic way she used to be. I want to stop the fighting between us SO BAD..
And this is where I shove aside any feelings of ego, anger, fear, or ANYTHING, and get down on my knees and beg.
Help? PLEASE? That isn't who she is..but I don't know what's wrong. What do I do?
As much as my weak side wants to say that I can't get support and love from her because of this, the REAL me would much rather help her than do anything else.
And I just want to add that all the arguing and bad things I've said happen with my family..don't happen ALL the time, in fact, most of the time I'm in a very happy mood - but when lots of arguments and such happen, then I tend to get a bit pissy, and then that just pisses them off even more, I suppose :P
Wow, okay, this has gotten a bit longer than I intended it to be. I feel a little better after letting that out, so I think I'm done for now.
Ta ta~ love for all <3
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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(14 candys | gimme your candy!)
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[08 Aug 2004|10:53am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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S Club 7 |
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What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla
Vodka
?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
! You are most like An Emerald !
Caring, giving, - and very emotional. You're the
person
people turn to with a problem. You worry about
everybody,
and genuinely want to help - a little too much
sometimes.
As an emerald, you tend to take a more backseat to
the other
gems, but your inner beauty soon captivates those
who take
the time to get to know you.
Congratulations ... You're the selfless gem
everybody needs as a friend.
?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Heehee..amusing. I got my birthstone. XD
Weeell..obviously I haven't been around at all. I finally got to talk to someone yesterday though T_T my sissy was on when I got on for a little while, so we talked ^__^ YAY!! wooow I've missed her <3
I think I got to talk to Pink, too..although my memory's failing me XD but it wasn't for long ;_; <3 to Pink
I wanna talk to my Fluffy sososo bad, though ;_; I MISS HER...much missing T_T
hmm. Interesting things have been happening..took a couple pills that I wasn't sure what they would do, found out they were banned, then took OTHER pills, found out THEY were expired..
Decided to ask mom before I take any more pills from now on XP let's just say I got UBERUBER sick. not fun.
I've had this recent burst of positive energy, which is yay ^_^ mixed in with a "LET'S CLEAN THE HOUSE!" energy occassionally, which is weird, but the house is so friggin' messy o_O I guess I'm getting that from my dad.
Gave up on the Wiccan idea for a while, was seriously planning on going to Christian church with Mai, but then she never called back with an answer from her mom as to whether I could go with her, so I guess I'm not supposed to learn about Christianity :P which is all for the better, because I started learning about Wicca again and it's back to "YAY, THIS IS SO COOL!" because mom's being a little more helpful about it ^_^
Also, partly because they're having teen classes start for it in October, not to mention a "Grande Ball", etcetc, and all this fun stuff..I'm sooo excited. I've been reading up on Wicca again lately, like Witch's Voice, a few sites, and then I've been doing tarot sessions and stuff. Back to my old fun, and I'm loving it ^_^
Soon I'm gonna force myself to start reading the Wiccan beginner books I have, again, it's just..I'm at a boring part, that I need to know of course..it's just all about vocabulary and stuff. Boooring >.<
Anyway. I'm all happy about that X3
I'm cool about my parents again, really, I just needed to get all that out, because it had been going "BUBBLEBUBBLEBUBBLE" for a few days, especially when Taylor started saying things about her parents and I forced myself not to say anything about mine -.o
But I'm cool again ^_^ all "yay, love my parents, I understand they're just going through a tough time"
I just wish their tough time could've happened after I moved out, lol XD
Hmm..what else? I've gotten SO MUCH confidence now. It's amazing *_* Partly because I've lost some extra pounds, so I'm looking even better :P (WOOHOO!) but I think it's mostly because I've been able to spend this summer without stress, healing and treating myself with these pills. And DESPITE what my brother thinks, I'm not relying on the pills -.- they're just helping me find my confidence again, when it was ripped away so long ago.
But I haven't found enough of it yet to be able to face standing up in front of a class and PRESENTING a project that -I- wrote on my own, my own material, something I'm proud of from my own mind, yet something they can EASILY make remarks on. One sarcastic remark..one rolling of the eyes..I SWEAR I'll pale and faint, or run out of the class and throw up, or something. I can't do it again T_T (IF I don't do either of those by just standing up in front of them, that is..)
See, I'm going back to school this year, but not full-time. (I'll be normal one day, I swear I will.) I'll have two classes this semester, Algebra I, part II and English III.
Because of whatever it is I have (when are they going to figure out how to diagnose me? Damn idiots T_T) we're going to fight our best so I don't have to do the presentations. Maybe I can deal with it next semester, maybe I can deal with it next year..but both me and my mom agree that I'm just NOT READY ;_; noo way..
If we can't get out of it, for some unknown horrid reason, not only will I fight to get out of that class with every ounce of strength I have (There are OTHER classes I can take), but, if I end up staying in the class..I assure you one thing, I doubt those projects are going to get finished. -.- I'll do just what I've done in the past - not do them. And if my mom somehow finds out about them, which I doubt, or if I have to work on them in class..I'll do them and just throw them away before I have to present.
I CAN'T DO IT. Not yet >.< My brother just doesn't understand how much I CAN'T handle that right now. Notyetnotyetnotyet..I seriously HAVE fainted and thrown up because of presenting in the past, and I'm not doing that this time, not now that I have a chance to be who I wanna be and not the hated, depressed, silent girl that I had to be for a while -.-
I am remembering this one presentation, though, that was probably the start of my TRUE fear of presenting. That was when I was still "okay" with the people at school, and hadn't gone depressed quite yet, but around when everything started to backfire. When I started to notice that nerds weren't as bad as my "cool" friends said they were, when I became a vegetarian for a while, and when I think (even though I denied it to myself) I started to notice my family getting farther apart. More importantly, my parents.
That's why I rebelled :P unfortunately for my social life, it wasn't the "party, get drunk, etc" kind of rebellion..but I like the details of the past to be secret, so I don't have to remember them TOO much, so I won't go into too much detail of how I rebelled.
Anyway..for one presentation, I was actually quite excited about it ^_^;;; we had to make a speech about something we believed in, you know, and try to convince the class to believe it too. Innocent, naive, DUMB me..didn't even think about how horrible the class could be about a subject like this.
I chose my vegetarianism.
I had so much fun writing the speech, and this was always one of my strong points, writing about something I believe in, and speaking strongly about it..
I was CONVINCED that at least 5 people in the class would turn to vegetarians!
Little did I know, that after a few seconds of me reading my speech, the entire class would turn into rabid wolves -.-
I began strongly, but it didn't take long for my face to pale, my voice weakening every second. I speeded through the rest of it as fast as I could, with watery eyes and shakey hands, not caring if they could understand a word or not.
I jetted out of that room as fast as I could, and I'm pretty sure I spent the rest of English class sobbing in the girls bathroom. Unfortunately, the wolves were still hungry, and the rest of that week was torture.
Yeaaah..I'm pretty sure that's when I decided I loathed presenting, forevermore -.o
...but you know what's funny? As much as this entry seems to have turned into a bad, horrid, "let's think about bad things about the past" entry...I'm in the best mood ever XD hehe. I told you, lately, I'm in this weird..like.."I have so much confidence and positive energy mood! I'm HAPPY!!" mood o.o;; lol, I love it.
um..anyway..I really didn't mean to go into that much detail about that o.O I just meant to say "I'm going to school on Monday, two classes, I hope I don't have to present stuff this semester, otherwise I won't do them and then I might fail.."
Yeah. That sums it up.
What else? Me and my sister have been bonding lately ^_^ yay! A little more fighting than usual, but it's more "hisshiss" instead of the head-on collisions like we used to have. And with bonding, you have mini-fights.
I got into a mini-relationship for a few days, although I wasn't really happy with it -.o so I'm not even gonna explain about it. Don't ASK. Please. I'm just gonna shove it to the past and pretend it didn't happen. Besides, it was more like..I liked the "idea" of what I wanted to happen in my head, not so much the person..but the idea wasn't happening. So I'm breaking it off.
It wasn't even serious, bleh..oh well. Be careful for what you wish for XP back to searching!
I'm tempted to go into more detail, but I won't, I'll just explain to one specific person XD who will only know when I find the time to get on AIM and IM them! hah. Anyway, yeah, shoving all that into the past. Didn't exist!
hmm..more things happened, I think..like, me and Jaimi going to the drive-in movies with Kristi and dad (who seem to be back together, YAY!) and my bellybutton piercing getting infected and I think it's closing up so now I have to get it redone (no yay -.- ..)
...but I have things to do :P byebye! MUCH LOVE!
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